Resident Evil Taildaters!
by Chibi Tidus
Summary: And RETaildaters crossover! This is very interesting! Basically an OC and a beloved RE character go on a blind date, but they aren't alone!


Resident Evil Taildaters!  
  
A/N: Yes, so before I write this I need to make a couple points. One, I am completely insane. Two, I have much better things that I need to do than write this story, but I feel I have to- just to expose the insaity of it all. The original characters belong to me, Peeping Shadow Monkey, and AlisaP (is that her name? lol). So there. But if you want to write fan fiction about them, well, that would be cool! :) Anyways, this will be very odd and insane. Please do enjoy!  
  
Are You Ready to Date!?  
  
Jospeh sat back in his seat, looking into the camera. "Hey! So, yeah, I'm Joseph Frost, member of STARS. I want to meet a girl who wont hold back and who is not afraid of bondage- I mean, 'getting intimate... eventually'."  
  
The camera cuts to Nolee. She is just finishing straightening her hair. "Hi everyone! Life is beautiful!" she makes her hands like wings on her back. "I want to find a boy who wants to cuddle, and if he wont effin cuddle with me, then I might have to kill him," she said, stroking her holstered gun with one hand.  
  
The Taildaters!  
  
Christian walks around the RV, heading towards the front. "Hey, I'm Christian!" Camera pauses, the words 'He loves Nolee to death... just wouldn't date her. He drives stick.' flashing across the screen. Unfreezing, he continued, "I hope Nolee finds what she is looking for!"  
  
A girl walks around the RV next. "Hi, I'm-" the camera paused before she could talk, the words 'This is Dru. She only wants Nolee to be happy!' flashing across the screen. Moving again, she said, "Dru... Damnit! What the hell is wrong with you people!?"  
  
Another girl rounds the corner. She is dressed in her custom made Abercrombie STARS uniform. "I'm Jill!" the words: 'She is a bitch. Trust her and you WILL die.' "I hope Joseph has fun!" More words: 'Joseph told us here at MTV to NOT allow Jill to come along as one of his taildaters, so of course we had to choose her.' *winks*  
  
A man walks around the RV, wearing sunglasses. He just looked at the camera. Words: 'This is Wesker. He said he would only talk to the other Taildaters and page the Daters. He wants nothing to do with this... seriously.'  
  
The four pile into the RV, cheering. Except for Wesker, who sits down in the middle, always having to be the center of everything. But it was hard to be the center of four, and Christian sat down next to him. Dru sat next to Christian and Jill sat on the other side of Wesker. "Why do I have to sit next to HER?" he shouted, edging closer to Christian.  
  
New Faces  
  
Nolee opened the door at the Radisson wide, smiling at the camera and sheepishly coming out into the hall. "Hi MTV!" she said, moving down the hall.  
  
In the RV... Jill sat staring. "That's it?" she thought. "Damn, my home fry Joseph is going to be dissappointed. She doesn't even look like she can walk straight! How will she EVER think of satisfying my boy? Damn someone just shoot her-"  
  
Wesker bitch slapped her, sending her head flying back into the wall. "Shut up! She had said two words!"  
  
Christian and Dru were fawning over their girl, giggling at how cute she looked in her outfit. "Damn! That's my girl!" Christian cried out.   
  
"WOO HOO!" came the entusiatic agreement from Dru.  
  
Back in the hotel... Nolee made her way down the hall. (This is were the camera does that fast forward thing and shows her making her way all the way down to the room where she's going to meet her date.) She looked around the empty space, searching for anyone... but found it completely deserted! "Where is he?" she asked the camera.  
  
The RV... "Oh! Come on!" came the shouts from her friends. "Don't keep the girl waiting!"  
  
The hotel... Another door opens and Joseph walks out into the hallway, all confidence. Very manish, if you will. "Yo MTV, what up?"  
  
RV: everyone *stares*  
  
Hotel: (Does fast forward thing, yada yada yada). He sees Nolee sitting on an overstuffed chair and rushed over, dropping any facade of being gangsta and wanting to meet his girl. She leaped from the chair, wrapping him in a hug, automatically completely infatuated with him. Damn was he hot!  
  
RV: "WOO! lookit that!" Christian and Dru yelled enthusiastically. Wesker was pretending to watch and be excited and everything, but he kept sneaking glances over to Christian, who was completely oblivious, of course. Jill did not say anything, as her head was still reeling by being slammed into a metal wall with superhuman strength. But the overall vibe coming from the RV was a good one! Off to the date!  
  
First Limo Ride: Show Some Skin!  
  
Limo: The door opens and Nolee and Joseph slip in, unnoticed. Well... they are completely noticed but we thught that they should try to sneak around, which of course did not work at all considering that they were on a TV show and there were cameras all around. But whatever...  
  
"So we're off!" Nolee hollored. Joseph slid across the seat to her, but sat a good foot away.   
  
RV: The four people were booing. "No way!" Dru said, "You have to get closer! -Send page."  
  
Limo: Nolee heard a strange beeping sound and felt for the pager that was around her waist. She grabbed at the pager, flipped it open, and read it to herself. Smiling, she looked over at Joseph and said, "They want us to get closer together."  
  
He smiled. "This will get interesting real soon."  
  
"Oh yes," she tried to hide a smile but it shone in her eyes. "So...?"  
  
"Yeah, right, of course," he made haste to slide close enough so that their hips were touching. He put one hand on her knee when his pager went off. "What the...?" He flicked it open and read the message before handing it over to Nolee. 'This is boring, show some skin!' was on the screen. "Should I?" he asked with a devilish grin.  
  
"Hell yes!"  
  
RV: They all cheered. "Cheap tramp," Jill said, crossing her arms. What the hell was he thinking?  
  
"Jill, did he dump you?" Christian asked from a couple seats over.  
  
She shot daggers at him. "Why you..." she leaned forward, reaching as if to grab a wallet out of her back pocket. Instead of pulling out leather, she started tugging at something, as it is were stuck. "Damn.. rocket launcher!" she yelled in anger, finally managing to whip it out.  
  
"Uh, Jill?" Wesker asked innocently.  
  
"What Wesker?"  
  
"Ouch, watch that ice. I was just gonna say we are in a moving vehicle, you might want to reconsider before you shoot that at Christian here. He is a doctor, and therefor so much smarter than you it is not even funny, so just put it away and leave us alone."  
  
She stared at him blankly. "But-"  
  
"No. We don't want to die. You're a bitch who kills everything you touch. Please just let us go this time."  
  
She slumped back in her seat. "I hate you."  
  
Meanwhile, Dru was typing at the pager furiously. "SEND PAGE!" she shrieked with delight.  
  
Limo: Nolee grabbed the pager and opened it, taking a few seconds to read the message before falling out of her seat. "Oh my God! Who is sending me this?" she yelled.  
  
Joseph reached over and looked at the message. 'There is whip cream in the mini fridge. Joseph has his shirt off. I think it is really obvious what you have to do. SO JUST EFFIN DO IT ALREADY!' "Well..." Joseph said, then leaned over Nolee and opened the fridge. "Let's get goin'!"  
  
RV: "You have got to be kiddin me!" Christian said in shock. "They are actually gonna DO THAT?"  
  
*Due to explicit content, this next section has been removed. No matter what skanky hoes we show on MTV, we are not allowed to show you the kinky pleasures of Cool Whip on the fine abs of Joseph and how Nolee pleasured them both... in several ways. For several hours.*  
  
Dinner: Risky Business  
  
RV: "Hm... watching that... oh man," Wesker said, one hand unzipping his pants and sliding into it.   
  
Christian saw this and looked around. Jill was slouched over in the corner, bleeding from her eyes and the rest of her face from when she tried to brutally gouge her eyes out -no one cared to stop her. She was unconsious, just as they all liked it. Dru was huddled in front of the TV, watching the growing attraction between the couple on the screen and sending new pages every five seconds.   
  
Getting an idea, he leaned over to Wesker, whispering, "You want some help with that?" and motioned to his pants and the growing bulge.  
  
A smile lit up Wesker's face. "Oh baby yes!"  
  
Christian slowly edged even closer to Wesker and-  
  
Diner: The pair had chosen a lovely little Diner on the beach to have their dinner. Not crowded and a summer breeze blowing in from the shore made this the perfect place to be!  
  
Nolee wasn't wearing much: only a skimpy bikini that she would not normally wear but Joseph ahd picked it out and told her she was the hottest thing EVER in it so as far as she was concerned she would wear it until the day she died. She shivered in the slight cold and had gotten the loose sweater that Joseph had been wearing. Nice, she thought. Whoever kept sending her these pages knows what she is talking about!  
  
The meal was ate in almost silence, nothing too exciting happening. After they had finished, Joseph looked over at her and said, "Hey, let's check out who has been following us!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
RV: The door opened and Christian, only in his boxers, leaped from Wesker's body, who was wearing a delightful little thong thing. Christian could not jump far, for he was handcuffed to the bench seat. Nolee raised an eyebrow but rushed forward, hugging him. "Was that you sending me those pages?"  
  
He smiled and pointed to the TV screens, were Dru stood. She could not restrain herself any further and rushed to hug Nolee, causing her to fall onto Christian, crushing something that was hard beneath her. Christian only moaned in agony. What was his deal?  
  
Joseph saw Wesker and said "NO WAY!" He stepped on Jill's slowly dying body, making an odd squishing noise, but disregarded it. He slapped Wesker, who was getting up, hard on the back. Wesker lurched forward, falling ont Jill.   
  
"Ewie, gross," he said, punching her repeatedly as he stood up.  
  
Closing Moments  
  
Nolee: Well I had so much fun! Joseph and I will definately be seeing a lot more of each other!  
  
Joseph: She is so much cooler than I could EVER have imagined! I only want her now! She is my girl!  
  
Dru: WOO HOO!  
  
Christian: I am happy for Nolee and all, but hey, lookit this! *points to collar on neck* This is gonna be more fun. I can only thank Nolee for getting on this odd show and introducing me to the love of MY LIFE!  
  
Wesker: Christian, we're leaving! (in background - "WOOT!")  
  
Jill: *silence*  
  
Director: Jill?  
  
Jill: *died*  
  
A/N: So yes, this is what happens when I get a strange idea in my head. I can write more of these if yall like them! HEHE! These are so fun! 


End file.
